when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
