my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Randomize
