I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
