i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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