I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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