how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
