omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize