Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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