the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
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