Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
