He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
