Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
