Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
