i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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