You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
