You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
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She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
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I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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