just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
