Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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