what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
