She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.