then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
21 Distraught People Found Out They Had An STD
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
21 Ladies Reveal The Sexiest Thing A Man Can Do In A Public Setting
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants