By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.