I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
