if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Small penises have feelings too.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
