I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
