pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Randomize
