me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
