I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
