She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
