after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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