hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
