I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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