See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
