i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
