I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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