were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
