I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
