I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
