apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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