Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
