My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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