he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
