Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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