And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
