Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
