Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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