omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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