I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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