He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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