no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
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He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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