Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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