Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
