You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
