My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
