I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
