The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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