where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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