I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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