eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
