she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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